Hi ladies,

So, I was out last night with my girlfriend Trish, who is a literally flawless Haitian-American chick. These two British guys started talking to us and were floored that we were in our thirties.

Me: Well, black don’t crack, you know.

Dude (yelling over the crowd): Crack is wack?

Me: Well…yes. But no, black don’t crack. 

He had no idea what I said or what I was talking about (I also think there was an accent barrier). Plus, even though it’s pretty much true — it’s also an old wives tale. We do crack, sort of. Instead of getting fine lines, we get…soft. Due to diminishing collagen/elastin, our skin loses elasticity. I haven’t really figured out a cream that’s helped me tighten up, so when IlluMask Anti-Aging Phototherapy Mask came across my desk, I perked up. It looks bonkers — like a cross between Devo in the “Whip It” video and Friday the 13th’s Jason — which made even more excited to try it.


Basically, it’s a high-tech, at-home spa phototherapy treatment. Phototherapy is technology that uses light — good light, not UV, obviously — to treat skin conditions (everything from acne to rosacea). Until now, it’s only been available in spas and at dermatologist’s offices. And here comes IlluMask, which does the exact same thing, for only thirty dollars! The weird white shield is attached to sunglasses, and you just stick them on, turn on the battery-operated remote and sit there fifteen minutes. As the infrared and red lights glow prettily, they magically even your skin tone, smooth roughness and tighten skin! After thirty sessions, your skin looks like Adriana Lima’s ass. Taut. I tried it, and I’m shocked at the results, you guys. Try it! Crack is wack!

They also make one for acne, bee tee dubs.