Lina Bobina’s learning her letters. The other day, we were rifling through Us Weekly, looking for words that began with “N” (yes, this is how we tackle education in my house). We found a page with Nick Cannon on it (score!), but she was distracted by Mariah. “Her hair is yellow and brown, like yours,” she said. “You’re her!” Not even close — Mommy does not have a multi-octave range or a goon on her payroll keeping her stocked in Oxy — but me and Mimi do have one thing in common. We like ‘em young.
For the moment, I’ve sort of OD’d on big relationships (once again, I refer to Norma Shearer’s quote from The Divorcee, “One more great romance will kill me”), but I’m definitely enjoying casually dating twenty-five year olds. Why not? They’re hot, and fun, and eager, and just happy to be there. They’re not life-scarred yet…and the abs. Anyway, for a hot second I was lazily seeing this dumb-beautiful trainer. We had nothing to talk about but both having gone to rival ACC schools (umm, fifteen years apart), which was A-OK. Just sit across from me at this blipster-heavy lounge and look pretty, dollface. But I think he might’ve burst my May/December-dating bubble. I’d gone out on one date with this guy, and that next night at 2am, he sent me the following text. I have insomnia, so I was lying awake, my skin slathered in Kiehls Ultra Facial Overnight Hydrating Masque, with nothing better to do than entertain this lovely dolt.
Self-portrait with what I really want to sext…Kiehls Ultra Facial Overnight Hydrating Masque. First of all, I love overnight beauty products (hair masques, skin serums) because they’re working while I’m comatose, and I don’t have to lift a finger. This one’s especially fantastic. My skin’s ravaged by my Jamaican sun-worshipping and the Polar Vortex, and I need massive amounts of moisture. This delivers without being greasy, and it’s loaded with botanicals that help your skin retain hydration, for longer. I wake up supple and glowing, and really, when it comes to skin…what else is there?
THE CONVERSATION:
Dude: Hi Tia! U like porn?
Me: Groan. This isn’t the way.
Dude: Wud r u tlkg about?
Me: That’s your lead? Look, I respect a well-crafted sext. But that’s not how you get a woman hot and bothered.
Dude: U don’t like porn? Sex is nothing 2 b ashamed of.
Me, lol’ing in bed: My point is, storming out of the gate with porn-talk is a turnoff. Jarring. For ex., I like ice cream. I want to walk into Haagen Dasz and be so tempted by all the delicious flavors, I can’t help but indulge. I don’t want a gallon of French vanilla dumped over my head the second I get in the door.
Dude: That sounded sexual 2 me. But wut do I know.
Me: Don’t be offended, I’m trying to teach you something, sweetie.
Dude: Sweetie? I’m grown!
Me: I gotta go.
Dude: If we can’t talk abt it, can we watch it 2gether? My fave is massage porn. Wut’s urs?
Give or take a few words, that’s exactly how the conversation went. I don’t want to TEACH a child how to successfully sext a woman. I don’t want to be the teacher, in general. Young guys are hot until you feel like they’re your life intern. Sigh. In related news, it’s so sad how millennials have grown up with such easily accessible, OTT porn that they actually believe that women want to be treated like XXX stars.
So silly, but Kiehls Overnight Hydrating Mask isn’t! Get into it.
xo,
Teyonce Trilliams